Underdog
Last week I received a second opinion by a doctor down at Stanford that I have carpal tunnel syndrome and thoracic outlet syndrome (tos). Tos is compression of the superior thoracic outlet. The superior thoracic outlet is the region from the clavicle to the first rib. It acts as a small passage to the various nerves, arteries, and veins of the spinal cord. When it becomes compressed numbness, tingling, and/or pain of the arm, hand, or shoulder occurs. The game plan is to start physical therapy, with the hopes that my tos symptoms will decrease and I will exhibit less pain. My doctor conducted a study, and the patients whose pain levels decreased were much more likely to have successful surgical outcomes. So a couple of times a week, I will be meeting with the tos pt, and on the other days, a pt to work on the pain management of my carpal tunnel syndrome.
I feel so blessed that I live in the area I do because it just so happens my tos physical therapist is one of the leading physical therapists in treatment of tos. I mean, what are the odds? :) I'm very hopeful that my tos symptoms, and pain will decrease. We're devoting two months to pt, and hopefully by January I'll have made some awesome progress so we can go along with surgery. There's always the hope too that I will be become symptom-free!! I hope that's the case. The tos surgery is pretty invasive; part of the procedure involves removing the first rib. Ya....I'll pass!
I can't tell you how relieving it is now knowing what's going on with my body. I'm a pretty good at tolerating pain--I've been through 4 knee surgeries; a compression fracture in my back, and numerous ankle sprains from soccer. But after five months of living like this, I couldn't tolerate it any longer.
When I was filling out my survey at Stanford there was a question that asked, "does your condition affect your social life?" When I read that, I teared up because it was true! I mean, I knew it was affecting my athletic activity, but my every day life? I mean I'm no dork; I knew it was affecting my every day life, but I guess I was in denial. I've always been one to tough it out, and push through the pain. It comes with being an athlete. Luckily after my back fracture, I came much more aware of how necessary it is to listen to your body, and since then, applied that approach to my training. There's a huge difference between having an off-day and your body being being so fatigued its susceptible to injury. And I'm glad to have finally found that balance between pushing your body to its threshold and its absolute limit.
However, here I was, sitting, reading this questionnaire, while the words pierced my soul....I had let pain dictate my life. In the past two months there were some days I was in so much pain, all I could do was lie in bed with a heating pad wrapped around my scalanes and clavicle region. I was missing school, having to cancel appointments, and social functions. And not only that, but in the past five months, I had become so short with my parents which is something I am not proud of. Chronic pain turns you into someone you are not. That's why I was shedding tears: not because I was in pain but because I had let it govern my whole world. For someone who is so gun-hoe on not letting circumstances dictate her mood, here I was, coming full circle that I had become one of those statistics. What a slap across the face.
But I needed that cold, harsh reality.....I needed to acknowledge my pain! After-all, how are you to heal--both physically and emotionally, if you don't acknowledge what you've been through?! I mean really, what good does it do to run around, masking your pain? I mean, yes, you shouldn't broadcast your every hurt to everyone on the street, but your loved ones? They care! There is no reason to suffer alone! Phew....that feels so good to get off of my chest. :)
*****So what's the current state of my heart? Grateful, thankful, and more importantly, faithful.
I know that this injury is going to create some radical, positive changes in my life! In fact, it already has in my faith/prayer life, and I know there will be many more to come.
Back in June, I completed my first figure competition of the season in New Orleans. A week later, I started experiencing numbness/tingling in my left palm, pinky, and ring fingers. I thought it was due to a spot in my upper back that was extremely tight. Then I started experiencing pain in my scalenes, and clavicle region. It was a type of pain I had never experienced before--a heavy, warm, constant, pulsating, type of pain. I thought I just had a badly pinched nerve in my neck. I wanted to take time off from training, but I couldn't because I still had two shows left for the season. I had to suck it up for another month. And here is where it gets exciting!!!!
I prayed to God that throughout the rest of my prep, He would not let the pain subside. I figured that if Jesus suffered on the cross for me, the least I could do to let him know I was grateful for His sacrifice, was suffer for a little while myself. I could train through the pain I was experiencing, as I focused on Him, not my pains; and ultimately brought Him the glory. And not only that, but I'd become more Christ-like in the process.
I cannot tell you how much that one prayer changed my life! To this day, I still am so thankful that God did a number like that on my heart. I mean, my faith is at an all time high!
There were days during that prep I was not only in pain, but physically exhausted. But the Lord sustained me through it all. Every morning I would pray for Him to use me as a means to bring positivity into someone's life; remaining positive while dieting can pose a struggle; you're not exactly all sunshine and rainbows, and not very fond of people either. Lol. I was also very mindful during every workout, to keep a smile on my face. It didn't matter if I was lunging for 20 minutes straight or running my butt off, you would see me beaming from ear to ear.
In fact, one of my girlfriends who was also dieting at the time for a show, asked me what I was taking preworkout because I had so much energy. My reply: "I don't take anything preworkout besides Jesus. He is the only fuel I need!" It was pretty kewl to see, and hear her reaction, "You and Jesus make a great team!" :)
So you're probably wondering the significance of this entry's title, and this is where I explain.....
Before I competed in my second show of the season, I explained to my coach that no matter what the results of the second show were, I was going to compete in my first national show ever, the USA's. I had been busting my butt off, and I owed it to myself to compete with the best of the best! My coach initially only wanted me to compete in the USA's if I won my height class at the second show. But I didn't listen (typical stubborn me) & booked my flight and hotel.
At the second show, I came in fourth place, which I was bummed about, but not nearly as bummed as I normally would have been. God had planted a seed of hope in my heart after hearing the results, and I truly believed something good was going to arise because of this fourth place finish.
The week before I was to leave for Vegas and compete at the USA's, I had a very good heart to heart with God. I explained to God that I had worked so hard to reach this point, and that no matter the outcome of the USA's, I was happy with the transformations I had made. I was thankful that His love and strength had sustained me throughout this entire process:
"God, I've always been an underdog. It goes back to my soccer days. Luckily I was blessed with speed, and athleticism, but soccer is more than how good of an athlete you are. I was not the most tactical nor technical player, and that effected playing time as I grew older.
As you know, God, the movie, Rudy, is an all-time favorite of mine. Rudy Ruettiger and I are a lot alike: small in size, but big in heart. We've both had a lot of critics during our athletic careers, but we've never let that deter us from accomplishing our dreams. We're both underdogs & place strong emphasis on working hard: "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." --Kevin Durant.
So, Lord, if it is your will, please let me place well. I would love to place top 5. I want to be a representative for other underdogs that with a confident faith and belief in yourself, accomplishing your dreams is possible."
Well, friends, I have wonderful news to share, the Lord exceeded my expectations, and in my first national show, I placed 5th!
When I look back at the results from that competition, I am filled with hope & confidence that I'll be back to my spunky self in a matter of time thanks to the Lord's faithfulness and healing abilities. As for the gym, I miss it, but it'll always be there. I need to heal first, and once I'm fully recovered, I know I'll come back stronger than ever: "A setback is an opportunity for a comeback!" And as we know, underdogs love a good comeback!
Love, Megs
