It was during finals week when I received my mri results. I still remember the words that came out of the radiologist's mouth, "We believe you have a benign tumor called a meningioma." I was in absolute shock. A benign tumor? I was obviously extremely thankful it wasn't malignant, don't get me wrong. But a benign tumor still warrants concern. I became unglued. I was already fighting a major depression during this time, but I now hit an all time low.
I met with a neurosurgeon who discussed the findings with my parents & me. He explained that we would need to watch the tumor very carefully. I would be getting mris every 2 months to make sure it didn't grow. If it did grow, there would be the possibility of needing brain surgery. Hold up: brain surgery?!? That's not a question a 22 year old wants to be asking herself.
My parents & I were pretty shaken up, so we scheduled a second opinion down at Stanford. The Lord was so good during this time and was able to get us in to see a world renowned neurosurgeon who usually has a wait list of at least 3 months. I was able to get in & see him 2 weeks after the telephone called was placed! After getting another batch of mris & a cat scan done, we met with him. He looked over all of my results and told my parents & me, he ran a tumor review board every week, and he & his colleagues would discuss my case. A couple weeks later we met with him & this is where things get interesting. After reviewing my case at the meeting, the doctors came to the consensus that what was truly causing my fatigue & blurred vision was a terrible viral infection. He explained that some viral infections can last months & months. He further explained that the tumor they found in my mris were probably congenital and most likely wouldn't cause me problems in the future, but that we should still get mris every year or so just to make sure.
What a blessing, let me tell you!!!!! My parents & I were elated!!!!! I'll be honest: my faith was crap during this time. I was still a baby in my faith and while I did call out to God during this time, my trust in him was shaky. But with this news, I knew something in my life had to change.
It would take me another two months to fully recover and regain normal vision but during that time, I had a change of heart. I had two months left in my senior year of college. I had been planning on attending grad school after obtaining my BS so I could become a clinical psychologist. But it dawned on me, going that route would not fulfill me emotionally. I had spent a lot of time in and out of various hospitals' oncology departments, and God suddenly placed a great desire for me to become a nurse. But not just any nurse, a pediatric oncology nurse.
"What, Lord....you want me to do what?" I don't know very many people who would want to go into that line of nursing for the obvious reason: seeing children in pain. I'll be honest, at times I second guess myself. I form attachments very quickly, especially to children & in this line of work it's a given that not all children will recover....that's the part that troubles me. But I'm greatly encouraged by the fact that if this is truly the Lord's will for my life, then he will equip me with the emotional support, and resources I need to serve these children to the best of my ability.
I really cannot think of a more satisfying profession for me. I love to serve others. I feel so fortunate that I will have the opportunity to love on these children as they are facing the biggest battle of their lives. Yes, there will be days where I'll feel like quitting due to the enormous sadness I'll be facing because I will form attachments. I already know I'll have a huge tendency, to form attachments, but that is what will make be a good nurse. That's who I am to my very core. I love, and when you love as deeply as I do, you undoubtedly will experience more heartbreak than the average person. But heartbreak is something I'm willing to experience, so long as I know I've made an impact in the lives of these children. I want each one of them to fall asleep each night knowing, I love them as if they were my own children, and they will not have to face this disease by themselves.
I'm also very excited to report that after I've established myself as a nurse for a while, I'm going to create a weightlifting program for the mothers of the children who are undergoing cancer treatment. It is my belief that by implementing weightlifting into the women's weekly routines, they will start experiencing a sense of control in at least one avenue of their lives, and will be left feeling empowered. There's no denying that weightlifting makes an individual physically strong, but more importantly, emotionally resilient, which will only enhance a mother's ability to cope with her child's cancer diagnosis, and treatment.
It's funny how a simple trip to the hospital can change the course of your life forever. Well played, God. Well played. :)
