The Underdog

Underdog

Last week I received a second opinion by a doctor down at Stanford that I have carpal tunnel syndrome and thoracic outlet syndrome (tos).  Tos is compression of the superior thoracic outlet. The superior thoracic outlet is the region from the clavicle to the first rib. It acts as a small passage to the various nerves, arteries, and veins of the spinal cord. When it becomes compressed numbness, tingling, and/or pain of the arm, hand, or shoulder occurs. The game plan is to start physical therapy, with the hopes that my tos symptoms will decrease and I will exhibit less pain.  My doctor conducted a study, and the patients whose pain levels decreased were much more likely to have successful surgical outcomes.  So a couple of times a week, I will be meeting with the tos pt, and on the other days, a pt to work on the pain management of my carpal tunnel syndrome.

I feel so blessed that I live in the area I do because it just so happens my tos physical therapist is one of the leading physical therapists in treatment of tos.  I mean, what are the odds?  :)  I'm very hopeful that my tos symptoms, and pain will decrease.  We're devoting two months to pt, and hopefully by January I'll have made some awesome progress so we can go along with surgery.  There's always the hope too that I will be become symptom-free!!  I hope that's the case.  The tos surgery is pretty invasive; part of the procedure involves removing the first rib.  Ya....I'll pass!

I can't tell you how relieving it is now knowing what's going on with my body.  I'm a pretty good at tolerating pain--I've been through 4 knee surgeries; a compression fracture in my back, and numerous ankle sprains from soccer.  But after five months of living like this, I couldn't tolerate it any longer.  

When I was filling out my survey at Stanford there was a question that asked, "does your condition affect your social life?"  When I read that, I teared up because it was true!  I mean, I knew it was affecting my athletic activity, but my every day life?  I mean I'm no dork; I knew it was affecting my every day life, but I guess I was in denial.  I've always been one to tough it out, and push through the pain.  It comes with being an athlete.  Luckily after my back fracture, I came much more aware of how necessary it is to listen to your body, and since then, applied that approach to my training. There's a huge difference between having an off-day and your body being being so fatigued its susceptible to injury.  And I'm glad to have finally found that balance between pushing your body to its threshold and its absolute limit.

However, here I was, sitting, reading this questionnaire, while the words pierced my soul....I had let pain dictate my life.  In the past two months there were some days I was in so much pain, all I could do was lie in bed with a heating pad wrapped around my scalanes and clavicle region.  I was missing school, having to cancel appointments, and social functions.  And not only that, but in the past five months, I had become so short with my parents which is something I am not proud of.  Chronic pain turns you into someone you are not.  That's why I was shedding tears: not because I was in pain but because I had let it govern my whole world.  For someone who is so gun-hoe on not letting circumstances dictate her mood, here I was, coming full circle that I had become one of those statistics.  What a slap across the face.  

But I needed that cold, harsh reality.....I needed to acknowledge my pain!  After-all, how are you to heal--both physically and emotionally, if you don't acknowledge what you've been through?!  I mean really, what good does it do to run around, masking your pain?  I mean, yes, you shouldn't broadcast your every hurt to everyone on the street, but your loved ones?  They care!  There is no reason to suffer alone!  Phew....that feels so good to get off of my chest.  :)

*****So what's the current state of my heart?  Grateful, thankful, and more importantly, faithful.

I know that this injury is going to create some radical, positive changes in my life!  In fact, it already has in my faith/prayer life, and I know there will be many more to come.  

Back in June, I completed my first figure competition of the season in New Orleans.  A week later, I started experiencing numbness/tingling in my left palm, pinky, and ring fingers.  I thought it was due to a spot in my upper back that was extremely tight.    Then I started experiencing pain in my scalenes, and clavicle region. It was a type of pain I had never experienced before--a heavy, warm, constant, pulsating, type of pain.  I thought I just had a badly pinched nerve in my neck.   I wanted to take time off from training, but I couldn't because I still had two shows left for the season.  I had to suck it up for another month.  And here is where it gets exciting!!!!

I prayed to God that throughout the rest of my prep, He would not let the pain subside.  I figured that if Jesus suffered on the cross for me, the least I could do to let him know I was grateful for His sacrifice, was suffer for a little while myself. I could train through the  pain I was experiencing, as I focused on Him, not my pains; and ultimately brought Him the glory.  And not only that, but I'd become more Christ-like in the process. 

I cannot tell you how much that one prayer changed my life!  To this day, I still am so thankful that God did a number like that on my heart.  I mean, my faith is at an all time high!

There were days during that prep I was not only in pain, but physically exhausted.  But the Lord sustained me through it all.  Every morning I would pray for Him to use me as a means to bring positivity into someone's life; remaining positive while dieting can pose a struggle; you're not exactly all sunshine and rainbows, and not very fond of people either.  Lol.    I was also very mindful during every workout, to keep a smile on my face.  It didn't matter if I was lunging for 20 minutes straight or running my butt off, you would see me beaming from ear to ear.  

In fact, one of my girlfriends who was also dieting at the time for a show, asked me what I was taking preworkout because I had so much energy.  My reply: "I don't take anything preworkout besides Jesus.  He is the only fuel I need!"  It was pretty kewl to see, and hear her reaction, "You and Jesus make a great team!"  :)

So you're probably wondering the significance of this entry's title, and this is where I explain.....

Before I competed in my second show of the season, I explained to my coach that no matter what the results of the second show were, I was going to compete in my first national show ever, the USA's.  I had been busting my butt off, and I owed it to myself to compete with the best of the best!  My coach initially only wanted me to compete in the USA's if I won my height class at the second show.  But I didn't listen (typical stubborn me) & booked my flight and hotel.  

At the second show, I came in fourth place, which I was bummed about, but not nearly as bummed as I normally would have been.  God had planted a seed of hope in my heart after hearing the results, and I truly believed something good was going to arise because of this fourth place finish.  

The week before I was to leave for Vegas and compete at the USA's, I had a very good heart to heart with God.  I explained to God that I had worked so hard to reach this point, and that no matter the outcome of the USA's, I was happy with the transformations I had made.  I was thankful that His love and strength had sustained me throughout this entire process:

"God, I've always been an underdog.  It goes back to my soccer days.  Luckily I was blessed with speed, and athleticism, but soccer is more than how good of an athlete you are.  I was not  the most tactical nor technical player, and that effected playing time as I grew older.  

As you know, God, the movie, Rudy, is an all-time favorite of mine.  Rudy Ruettiger and I are a lot alike: small in size, but big in heart.  We've both had a lot of critics during our athletic careers, but we've never let that deter us from accomplishing our dreams.  We're both underdogs & place strong emphasis on working hard: "Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard." --Kevin Durant. 

So, Lord, if it is your will, please let me place well.  I would love to place top 5.  I want to be a representative for other underdogs that with a confident faith and belief in yourself, accomplishing your dreams is possible." 

Well, friends, I have wonderful news to share, the Lord exceeded my expectations, and in my first national show, I placed 5th!  

When I look back at the results from that competition, I am filled with hope & confidence that I'll be back to my spunky self in a matter of time thanks to the Lord's faithfulness and healing abilities.  As for the gym, I miss it, but it'll always be there.  I need to heal first, and once I'm fully recovered, I know I'll come back stronger than ever: "A setback is an opportunity for a comeback!"  And as we know, underdogs love a good comeback!  

Love, Megs

The little, red flower

Today I am thankful for the little, red flower I noticed while pumping gas at the gas station. What delighted me the most was to see it, standing erected in the soil, all by itself. There were no other flowers in sight & all I could think was, "I want to be like that flower."

The way that little flower leads her life is how I desire to lead my life: bold & unafraid--secure in my own soil, knowing that I'm always provide for because I'm deeply rooted in Lord. It doesn't matter if the current season of my life is marked by immense joy or marred with immense pain because God's mercy and goodness are unconditional. His love always prevails! He is my stronghold, my roots.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
<3♥ Jeremiah 17:7-8

The Reality

Yesterday I had a dr's appointment down at Stanford to determine the cause of the numbness I've been experiencing in one of my hands & the constant pressure in my clavicle that's been plaguing me for the past five months. Luckily my condition is treatable and I have so much hope that I will be pain free after working with a physical therapist & undergoing surgery.

And for that, I am extremely grateful. While I am experiencing chronic pain, my health is otherwise fantastic.

As I was leaving the hospital yesterday, I noticed a girl around my age who was crippled. She had clearly been in a major accident and was paralyzed. It broke my heart, knowing she can't complete basic tasks for herself anymore; and instead, has to rely on both her mother and caregiver who were both present with her yesterday.

And more heartbreaking is the fact that she will never ever again be able to run barefoot through the grass, carefree, like she did as a child. Nor will she be able to experience the joy that comes with having "the first" dance with her husband, or playing hide and go seek with her little boy.

Sudden pains will arise, but we must remind ourselves to not let them derail our joy. We must remain thankful on a daily basis: thankful that we are not confined to a wheel chair; hooked up to a breathing and/or feeding tube; and don't have an incurable disease. But most of all, thankful for the gift of life God has blessed us with.

And with that, I'm off to run barefoot through the grass for that courageous gal!

Relationship Truths

Lately I've been thinking a lot about relationships.

In the last two weeks, three close friends of mine have all experienced breakups.

I've realized a couple of things when it comes to dating:

1.) It's very crucial to enter into a relationship with someone that comes from a stable upbringing.

I've dated at least three guys who came from tragic upbringings. For example, one of my exes had a mother who cheated on her father; his brother then committed suicide; and the kicker? His mother used up all of my exes' college tuition fund for plastic surgery.

There was a time when I was younger that I wanted so desperately to fill the void that each of those gentleman was experiencing because of the lack of love in their upbringings. I wanted to provide stability in their lives. I wanted to be the mama bird, nurturing her baby birds back to life after they sustained broken wings. I wanted to shower them with love, to show them the power of unconditional love I was so fortunate to have received from my parents while growing up.

I wanted nothing more than to heal their emotional wounds & give them hope & faith in love!

But I now realize that's not my fight to win. Yes, you can love a person with all your might, but ultimately you cannot heal their past scars. That's on them.

And I want to make it very clear that while a person can experience tragedy in his life, there are always going to be exceptions where a person doesn't let those pains dictate and taint his view of love.

Who is this man? He is a man of acceptance, not denial; he's conscious of what he's been through and has the desire to heal from the wounds of his past.

The second thing I've come to terms with:

2.) Being in a relationship where the love given and received is distributed equally.

I feel like so many relationships nowadays are not in equilibrium when it comes to the amount of love one has for his significant other, and vice-versa.

You hear people talk all the time about how "he" loves her more; or "she" loves him more.

Love shouldn't be this way! Love is about give and take, not who loves who more.

It's been said that "He who loves least controls" the relationship. Hits home, huh?

But we shouldn't be so quick to jump into those types of relationships & more importantly, feel satisfied by remaining in those relationships.

We must remain patient, trusting in God's timing and having confidence that at the right moment He is going to bring the man/woman of our dreams into our lives.

Know your worth: why settle for rump roast when you deserve filet mignon?

The best ship is friendship

I have a lot of friends who are going through various battles in their lives, myself included.

Whatever the source of our pain may be: physical ailment; a loved one's sickness; the loss of a loved one; a broken relationship; or a relationship ending for good, they all warrant a similar need....the need for friendship.

It has been said that man can live roughly 40 days without food; 3 days without water; but, deprive a man of hope, and he will surely die.

Today I find hope and comfort in the form of my favorite childhood cartoon:

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you."

♥ Charlie Brown to Snoopy

Validation

Earlier this week my mom and I had a nice heart to heart. She wanted to take me shopping so I could purchase some cute pieces for going out during the Holidays. That lead to the topic of discussion as to why I'm not a big fan of "going out."

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of going out because whenever a group of women get together, you know there's at least one person who feels the need to constantly snap pictures & upload them to social media sites, such as facebook and/or instagram. Taking pictures is a great way to document memories, but as I've grown older I no longer feel the need to broadcast my every social move to the world. I'd rather spend my time engaged in conversation with my girlfriends as opposed to being on constant lookout for a good "photo-op."

And not only that but I'm such a homebody! A perfect Saturday night to me entails: a medium rare steak; a cozy pair of sweats and hoodie; and being surrounded by my parents, dogs, and close friends while watching a football game. I'm such a such a tomboy homebody and that's the way I like it!

But, back to the main focus of this blog entry: validation in the form of peers' acceptance.

So many people these days use social media as a means to do just that: seek out acceptance.

Now I'm not condemning people for taking pictures that warrant a round of applause. There's nothing more inspiring to me or makes me happier than to see pictures friends post of themselves competing in a marathon; crossfit competition; bodybuilding contest; graduating; getting married; or having a baby. Those moments are so special & should be broadcasted for all of your friends & family to see.

But it becomes a problem when a person feels the need to post daily or weekly self-portraits of themselves as a means to seek out validation from others or use it as a tool to upstage others and make themselves seem better than others. A perfect example is someone posting a picture of himself on instagram in a 100,000 dollar car he just bought.

I mean, that's great he can afford an expensive car, but I think the question everyone wants to know is does the car's exterior match the interior of his heart?

So where does this idea of self acceptance leave me at this stage of my life? I'm simply not one to post self-portraits of myself anymore. There was, a time, however, when I felt the need to document my "beauty" to the world and did on MySpace. Lol.

And while I no longer post self-portrait pictures anymore, I know many people will view the competition pictures I post as being one in the same. However, I post those pictures of myself not because I'm interested in people telling me "how pretty I am," nor am I interested in the number of "likes" I receive.

I post those pictures for two reasons:

The first being: I want to empower women & show them that a strong, athletic, & fit female is far sexier than a woman who is a slave to the scale. In today's society body image is so concerned with how you look in the mirror, instead of how your body operates as a functional system. Having a strong body not only makes you feel confident, and able to take on the world, but also has tremendous benefits to your overall health and longevity.

And not only that, but being physically fit can save your life: The human body is such an intricate and hardy system that is capable of so many amazing feats. I am always so amazed when I hear stories of men and women encountering situations that should end in extreme injury or even death but they are able to rise above it due to the amazingness that is the human body. (For example, the woman who is chased down by a black bear while going for a hike but is able to tackle him to the ground or the man who is pinned underneath a truck, yet is able to find the strength and energy reserves to remove the car off of his body). This is due to the body's fully equipped sympathetic nervous as well as another mechanism in which scientists are still investigating but they believe it has to do with the body's ability to numb pain; this is called analgesia. (An example of this would be the football player who gets closelined and thinks he just sustained a small bone bruise, so he continues to play for the rest of the 4th quarter. But after the game ends, the pain receptors kick in, and he finds out that his tibia is broken).

The second reason I post those pictures is to showcase to the world the divinity that resides within my soul which is spurred by God's goodness.

In scripture there is a verse that states:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own...

♥1 Corinthians 6:19

I use my body as a means to glorify Him and make His presence known.

Anyone that knows anything about physique competitions knows how physically & mentally challenging preparing for a show is.

But what I want the world to know is that when you rely on The Lord for your sole source of fuel and strength, and your true aim is to glorify Him in your total being: both physically & spiritually, anything is possible.

But, back again, to the main subject of this post: the fleshly pursuit of validation from others....

That's not what I'm interested in nor about anymore. Yes, the pursuit of acceptance dictated much of my adolscent life, especially my high school years. I let how others saw me define part of my self-worth which lead to a never ending cycle of insecurity, tears, unhappiness, & major depression, for me. 

But that was before I knew God. And even once I did develop a relationship with God it would take a good couple of years to fully embrace my uniqueness. It has been almost five years since I became a follower of Christ and in that period of time God has radically transformed my heart. I can confidently say that I no longer desperately cling to the security blanket of acceptance and validation from others.

I now know that my identity is found in Christ. I am a woman of God & the only validation I need is from my Maker. And the amazing thing is when you are a follolwer of Christ, you don't need to go on a validation quest for Him to approve of you! Our validation is met the very moment we surrender our lives to Him. He died on the cross for you & me because we were that worthy and precious to Him!!! What more validation do we need other than the realization that comes with knowing a man who we never met was willing to lay down his life for us in order that we may no longer be slaves to sin, and live lives of peace?

Ever since I gave up on the need to impress others, my life has taken on new meaning. My life's purpose is now to live for & serve my God wholeheartedly. And not only that, but there's such a sense of peace in your being that comes with being at ease in your own skin.

But I must remain cognizant that I am only human and with that comes the inevitable truth that occasionally I will slip up & desire an ego boost from my fellow human beings. But I must never ever fall victim again to that never ending cycle of destruction that comes with living a life solely devoted to impressing others.

So what's a gal or guy to do in order to defeat that self destructive cycle? We must actively seek Him out on a daily basis, and constantly remind ourselves that using others as a crutch to reach self-validation is a lose-lose situation.

We must also remind ourselves that the only validation that truly matters is the validation that comes from knowing God, and your belief that you have it going on! Remind yourself frequently that you're all that and a bag of chips....or in my case, I'm not a big fan of chips, so, all that & a container of sweet tatter fries.  ;D

So this is a promise to myself from here on out: In a world that's so fixated on impressing others, I will be the living, breathing exception. I will continue to live for the audience of THE ONE.

Less judgement, more compassion

There are two prayers that are always on the top of my prayer list. They are:

1.) Everything I say, think, & do are in harmony with the gospel:

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 

♥ 1 John 3:18

And

2.) That others see the Lord in me:

He must become greater; I must become less.

♥ John 3:30

I desire nothing more than being filled by His Spirit: I want to love others to my absolute full capacity, loving them as Jesus did. I want to be less judgmental and more understanding, and compassionate. Loving others is easy for me, but judging others has posed a much greater struggle for me.

I struggle with passing judgements on a daily basis. It's not so much a question of judging others based on their outer appearances which I think most would equate with being judgmental. I mean, I know that in certain instances, I am quick to make a physical judgment. But that has more to do with a survival mechanism. For example, it's late at night, and as I'm waking to my car from the grocery store, I see a man in an oversized black hoodie and combat boots, hovering near the grocery cart storage and dispenser unit, which is located 200 feet away from my car. There's no denying that I will be judging him, as my sympathetic nervous system elicits the fight or flight response, and I'm ready to battle if need be. 

But on a daily basis, I try my best to not judge an individual on his outer appearance because I've learned that some of the most wonderful people who may not look as well-kept, or have psychical deformities, are some of the most lovely people I have and will ever met. 

As mother Teresa once said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

And as mindful as I am not to judge a person by their outer appearance, I am quick to judge a person by his actions. If i can be honest, I know there are plenty of times I've reasoned with myself that judging a person by his looks is the far worse crime, as it is a superficial offense. But I soon come to realization that I'm committing the same offense: I'm not truly looking into another's heart & seeing things from his perspective.

So what do I propose? A huge shift in perception. How often are we quick to label another as a jerk or b*tch when he is short with us? A perfect example is a moody cashier attendant at the store. We label him as a "doucher," because he treated us in poor fashion. So what do we do? We are quick to write him off, finding fault in him, when in reality we are the ones that need to be writing ourselves the reality check!!!!

Yes, he could be having a bad day, so in fairness this isn't his typical disposition. We are all entitled to off days, after all. However, it's been my experience that even if a person is having an off day, he will catch himself being moody & apologize for his lack of manners.

So in the instance of the cashier who seems so bitter, so very jaded, we need to have compassion for him.

What we fail to see as outsiders is the fact that he gets up at 4 am to go to work at the grocery store; his shift ends at 9 am & then he's off works two other jobs; and doesn't retire home until 10 p.m.. Oh and did I fail to mention he has no access to a car, so his method of transportation is the city bus? And not only that, but he is a single father, trying to make ends meet for not only himself, but his two daughters, and his own mother whose health is rapidly declining.

After hearing his situation, I don't know how a person could not sympathize & have compassion for this man who is clearly overworked, under appreciated, under loved & lacks stability in his professional life.

I recently had a similar encounter with someone I go to school with. I wrote her off originally as being a mega you know what because she was so surly, and grimaced all the time. I would try striking up conversations with her or smile at her, but she wouldn't have it. There was clearly something troubling her and I wanted to help. Luckily, one night I had a breakthrough! As class came to an end, and students were exiting the classroom, I decided to strike up a conversation again, in hopes that she would feel safe enough to confide in me. And guess what, she did!!!

Ever since that conversation, she returns my smiles & more importantly, she's willing to initiate the smiles! It's such a heartwarming feeling knowing that by extending your hand & heart to another who is suffering, you have the power to make a positive difference in his life. There's nothing more comforting than having a person in your life who wants to understand your pain and is willing to help you heal your pains. The older I get the more I believe one of the greatest gifts you can give another person is the gift of your time and willingness to understand.

It's our responsibility as human beings that we see one other through. After all, we all have the same Father which means we are brothers and sisters, deeply rooted & loved together by & in Christ.

Lord, it is my prayer that when encountering an individual who seems troubled, and is rude, we would not allow his lack of manners to dictate our mood and subsequently our manners. And instead of finding fault within him, we would recognize the fault lies within ourselves, the judgers, who need to remedy the situation by taking the time to listen to what's weighing heavy on his heart.

Love and hugs, 

Megs