No longer playing it safe

I'm excited to announce that in the next few weeks I will be launching my own website for personal training.  It's taken me long enough.  Baby bird is ready for take off; time to make a jump from the nest & spread my wings!

So, why the initial reluctance?

Sheer fear.  I've been paralyzed by fear.  This anxiety stems from the fact that in order to be successful in the fitness industry you need to market yourself.  I've never been comfortable using social media as a means to promote myself.  This resistance in marketing myself is due to two factors:

1.) Fear of failure.

I've been crippled by the fear that if I offer my services people will not be interested.  When I devote myself to rallying support for a cause, accomplishing a goal of mine, etc, I invest my entire heart & soul into that cause or dream.  Because I go into any given situation wholeheartedly, I expect to see results.  It would be one thing if I was the type of individual who when setting out to accomplish a task, did so gingerly.  This has never been my mentality.  Lack of passion produces half-hearted results, and passion is something I certainly do not lack and never will.

2.) Fear of passing judgement.

I've never been the type to lose sleep over the opinions of other people and their evaluations of me. I've always marched to the beat of my own drum.  But upon further evaluation as to why I've been so afraid to start up my own business, I've concluded that I am afraid of a certain type of judgement being formed.

The reality is in the fitness industry many people have inflated self egos, and think they "know it all."  Talk about a turn-off, especially to those who are wanting to make a commitment to bettering their health and are new to the fitness/gym scene.  I want to be known as a positive, humble, and approachable role model who practices what she preaches, has balance in her life & isn't afraid to admit she isn't perfect!  I've said it time in and time again--I'm not interested in the number of likes I receive from a picture I post on instagram, the number of followers I have on twitter and/or facebook, or for being known as a "hard body."   I'm not seeking out anyone's approval.  I train for me, plain and simple, and it's just the icing on the cake that my passion for training can serve as a vehicle for others to make healthy lifestyle changes. Fame, and pardon my language, all of that other superficial crap, don't matter to me nor does it motivate me in my quest to inspire others to lead healthy lifestyles.  I have no desire to be the next "Jillian Michaels."   I'm simply content in being Megan McGraw, a child of God who has a passion for fitness and wellness, and wants to instill that love of fitness into others.

My real fear is that people view me as just a "body." I don't want to be known for just my physique!  When someone thinks Megan McGraw, I want them to immediately think Christ follower, and gal with a huge heart for people. 

The basis for this fear stems from an encounter I had two years ago.

A girlfriend asked me what my plans were for the weekend.  Without any hesitation she blurted out, "Probably spending all weekend in the gym.  How many hours do you spend there daily, anyway?" I was really taken back by her snide and ignorant comments. I wanted 
so badly to stand up for myself and explain that she was in the wrong; that sure when prepping for a competition in the past I've spent a few hours at the gym, but on a daily basis I am not in the gym for hours at a time.  I train 3-4x a week for an hour at a time, if that. But I held back because I knew her bashing my lifestyle stemmed from the fact that she had her own insecurities in the lifestyle she was currently leading.  

As you can see my fear is warranted, and it's a fear that I'm ready to put on the back burner.  Ultimately people are going to form judgements about you, and in the end the only opinion that truly matters is God's.  He knows my heart.  He knows that I do not think of myself as better than anyone else.

So why the recent change of heart in pushing fear aside and starting up my own business?  To say that this has been a long-time coming is an understatement.  My parents and many of my close friends have been urging me to take a chance for sometime.  But I recently partnered up with a fabulous nutrition company and that has been the real catalyst in my desire to change.  Working for this company has really allowed me to get out of my comfort zone and view myself as a business woman. 

Furthermore, I've had a wonderful mentor who has really given me new insight into what it means to be an entrepreneur.  I had a really good heart to heart with him last week, and his insight brought new clarity.  Like I've said, I derive my purpose/meaning in life to serving others.  I've been so gun hoe on nursing school, and serving others once I become a nurse that I've failed to realize that I can impact lives right now.  And what better avenue than doing it through something I'm passionate about: health and fitness.  God has blessed me with the gift of motivating and inspiring others to become fit and I'm doing him a disservice by not act upon those gifts: If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies (1 Peter 4:11). 

Marienne Williamson once stated, playing it small does nothing in serving those around you:

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are  powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in all of us. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Lord, you designed me with a purpose, and I'm finally ready to cast fear aside, and use those gifts to glorify you.  Thank you for being so patient with a stubborn heart like mine.  Time to let this little light of mine shine!

Tears & faith

Sometimes all it takes is a good long cry to put everything into perspective. Charles Dickens once wrote, “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 

Tears don't come in a one size fits all box. They can be the result of immense joy, suffering struggle, pain, or anxiety. The key is to embrace them when they come softly knocking on your heart & not bottle them up.  Don't let society's view on tears deceive you into thinking only the weak cry. There is no shame in crying. In fact, there's a quiet strength released when an individual cries; it exposes the individual to himself. It affords him the opportunity to awaken his soul & grow exponentially. 

Last week was a week of tears & growth. 

What motivational force are you driven by in your professional life? For some it's the label.  Some are more interested in the title behind their name than the actual job itself. Others are motivated in seeking out professions they think will generate the most income. And still for some, the only reason they chose to go into a certain line of work is because they felt immense pressure from their parents..."You'll only be successful if you become a doctor;" "You don't disappoint want to your father, do you? You must follow in your father's footsteps & take over the family business." And then there are the last two categories: people who are driven out of service to the community & people who are truly passionate in a certain line of work & will risk job security in order to do something they are truly happy doing everyday. 

For me it's never been about monetary gain.  It's always been about service. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a cop. I had an autograph book that I would carry around & any time I saw a cop in public, I would run up to him & ask him to sign it. That 5 year old Megan has always defined "success" in terms of serving the community & it is that precise reason why I had a mini breakdown last week. The tears shed were out of sheer frustration & fear that I'm not currently making a difference in the lives of those around me. Why? Because I'm at a standstill in my life academically & professionally. 

I feel like everyone around me is excelling in their professional lives & here I am at 25 years, still living at home, going to school & not working full-time. I feel like I'm waiting for my "real" life to speak to begin. I wish I knew four years ago that God's ultimate call for my life was to become a pediatric oncology nurse. It would have saved me a lot of aggravation & money, but I need to remind myself that God operates on his own time table. I know this transition stage is needed & I need to learn to be more gentle & patient with myself. I know I'm working towards something, something much bigger than myself & this "big picture" is where I also place my hope & faith. 

This week I've been studying the gospel of Luke & Mary has given me new insight into living a life of radical faith.  Although initially afraid & confused as to why the angel Gabriel would appear at her home and declare her the future mother of Jesus, Mary took the angel at his word because he was sent by God....Mary responded, "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." (Luke 1:38)

Can you imagine being in Mary's shoes? Having an angel appear and tell you that you would be conceiving a child even though you were a virgin? Mary doesn't question God's call for her her life. She offers no resistance. There is no talk of being afraid about what others might label her. She doesn't ask the angel when the she will become pregnant or give birth. She simply trusts in God's word & let's Him operate according to His purposes & time frame.

I need to frame my life with the faith Mary did. I need to let God lead me the way He lead Mary.
Instead of struggling to control the timing of events so they are more convenient for me, I need to let Him take the reign & let events unfold as He sees fit. Nothing frustrates The Lord more when we attempt to manipulate situations. It robs God of who He is, and takes away the wisdom God wants to lavish you with during those seasons of impatience.

Purity

With each passing year, it seems as if the mean age for losing one's virginity decreases. Nowadays it's all too common to hear of a 14 year old child engaging in sex.

So when someone chooses to abstain from premarital sex in a culture dominated & infatuated by sex, questions will arise and judgements will be formed. And unfortunately most of the time these questions & judgements are negative. For example, "Why on earth would someone choose to lead 'that' kind of life?" Another one of my favorites is, "What a prude!"

We are all well aware that the most common type of person who believes in "saving himself" for marriage, is a Christ-follower.  The interesting thing to note though, is that non-Christians are not the only ones to pass judgements on virgins. I know just as many Christians who engage in premarital sex, and just like nonbelievers,  are quick to pass judgement on virgins & label them as "weird."

So where do I fall within this spectrum? Do I believe in premarital sex or do I believe in waiting until my wedding night?

I, Megan McGraw, am a 25 year old virgin & couldn't be more content with my choice.

I'm sure you're curious as to why I'm consciously choosing to remain pure until my wedding night. So buckle up, ya'll. I'm going to give you insight into the mind of a 25 year old virgin (insert gasps).

There are many reasons as to why I've chosen to remain a virgin. One such influence that has guided my stance on premarital sex is my parents' relationship with one another.

I am very blessed to have two parents that are still married. They met their freshman year of high school and have been committed to one another ever sense. Seeing how they treat one other with the utmost care & tenderness has beautifully illustrated what love truly means & shaped me into the woman I am today. It is because of their mutual love and respect for one other that I do not have a tainted view of love. I am what I call a "hopeful romantic." I believe in the power of love. I believe in soul-mates & I believe in the happily ever after God is in the process of scripting for me as I type this very blog entry.

Don't get me wrong, my mother has been a tremendous influence in my life with regards to saving myself for marriage, but more so than anything, I know the mindset to remain pure for my God & husband is due to my dad's influence.  The way he honors my heart has set the standard for what I'm looking for in a man, and until that standard is met, I will patiently wait for my sweet husband.

My dad is the kindest, most selfless, thoughtful, loving, patient, & devoted man you will ever meet. He is the true embodiment of a gentleman. His treatment of me has set very high standards in all of my interpersonal relations--not just romantic ones. I know I deserve respect, love, & tenderness, and will not settle for anything less. It is because of my dad I am an independent woman who will not let another person, especially man define my worth as a person. I am the gal who is not willing to "settle" because she's feeling lonely or needs words of affirmation to feel good about herself. I'm waiting for my Godly gentleman who will step up & meet my standards. I know he's out there & my trust in this lies in the fact that I have a wonderful, loving God who adores me & wants to give me the desires of my heart. (Psalm 37:4).

The third reason is out of reverence for God. If I can be perfectly honest with you, I've never been in love before. It's something I want more than anything. But I know the reason I have not been in love yet is all thanks to the big man upstairs. When I was younger I always thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't quick to jump into relationships like my other friends. I never felt the need to be in a relationship with a man.  Sure, I desired a boyfriend, but I knew my self worth as a woman wasn't based on my relationship status.  Years later I now know my self worth is based solely on God's love for me.  My identity lies within Christ, and Christ alone.

Now this may surprise you but I've not always been a woman of strong faith. I always believed in God but did not have an intimate relationship with him until I was 20. (I'm 25) now.

Looking back, I now know that God was the one behind the scenes, protecting me from getting involved in short term relationships that would lead nowhere.  He knows my heart.  When I love, I love deeply.  Knowing that, He shielded me away from potential suitors because He knew there was a time before I gave myself completely to Him that I may have fell victim to lust. And there I was in my younger years, thinking I was the resilient one, the one protecting myself from future heartbreak.

I know in my heart of hearts this was God's plan for my life. I know God has orchestrated my love life and in time I will meet, and fall in love the man God has designated to be my husband. So until then, I am content to remain single. It allows me to get to know the heart of my Beloved even more and grow deeper in my faith.  It turns out to be a win-win situation anyway because my husband will ultimately be the beneficiary of those single years that increased my faith tenfold.

The final reason for remaining a virgin is out of love for my future husband. I cannot think of a more beautiful gift than giving all of myself to him, both in the physical & emotional sense. I mean how epic is it knowing that a woman has been saving herself for you & only you? If that isn't love that I don't know what is.

Now that you know my reasoning, I'm sure you have some questions.

One such question I get all the time is "aren't you scared that if you don't experiment now you will never know what 'good' sex is?"

To this I ask you, how do you operationally define good sex? To me, "good" sex has a deeply relational/spiritual connection to it as well as psychical. Call me crazy, but nowadays I think it's usually one or the other. You have the 2-2 deal when you let God script your love story.

Furthermore, of course the sex will be good! This is the man that God has ordained for me. With this comes the assurance that God will give me a man that will fulfill the deepest desires of my heart & know how to satisfy me sexually! Pretty awesome, huh? 

There will also be no awkward tension & inhibitions between us because we were best friends before hopping into bed together.  I mean think about how awkward first dates are. Each person is feeling the other out while being mindful to be on his best behavior, so that he may impress his date. When you save yourself for marriage there's no need to impress & you're free to be yourself. Inhibitions? Ain't nobody got time for that!

Another question I get is: "aren't you tempted?"

Um, ya....out of sheer curiosity. But not at the expense of yielding to my belief system. I value my God and husband way too much to give into my flesh.

Now I know I'm a rarity these days, so while it would be my prayer that everyone could refrain from sex until they are married, I know that's not the reality.  What I do ask is that if you are engaging in premarital sex, at least do it with someone that RESPECTS and LOVES you! Be with someone who values your heart and soul as much as they value your body.

Love, Megs

I've got my rose-tinted stunna shades on! :)

We live in a world where the headlines read: "Murder; Death; Natural disaster; Fiscal ruin...." the list goes on.  Rarely, do we read/hear about breaking news that has to do with a simple act of kindness & when we do, that story becomes the talk of town for weeks on end. 

Do you remember when the New York police man offered a pair of shoes to a homeless man, and the news coverage that followed?  

Now I am by no means criticizing that sweet police officer's gesture; in fact, it's the exact opposite. I celebrate & encourage all acts of kindness.  But it troubles me that the current human condition is such that people were almost in disbelief that another man would go out of his way to do something kind for another human being.  

Shouldn't it be second nature to give of ourselves to a brother or sister in need?  You see a person slip on the street, you offer him your hand; you see a mom in the grocery store who lost sight of her child as she was picking out a box of cereal, you offer to help find her child; etc.

It is my hope that someday the ability to choose good over evil will be manifested in the headlines, that the current negative headlines that society feeds us will become a thing of a past, and replaced by headlines that read something along the lines of, "hope, faith, love."

The good Lord has blessed us all with innate goodness--some more than others, but the bottom line is: we must act on on our kindness impulse & choose to do good to others.

I've got my rose-tinted stunna shades & I'm ready to make kindness an epidemic! Care to join me? Make kindness your legacy!  :D

Blessing in disguise

We all have that one moment where we can look back & confidently say, "That moment changed the course of my life forever."  Mine occurred a little over two years ago on an early November afternoon as I was driving to work.  I became extremely photophobic and I started to experience blurred & double vision.  You know when you look at a light for too long and you experience that weird after-image effect....it almost looks like a halo?That's what I experienced.  After a month of my vision staying this way and feeling extremely fatigued, I met with primary care physician who believed I had a virus.  In the mean time, I scheduled an appointment with an optometrist, who examined my eyes, and everything checked out fine.  I went back to my primary care physician, and he ordered a bunch of blood tests. My white blood cell count came back very low, which suggested infection, so he ordered an ultrasound of my liver.  Luckily there was no structural damage to my liver.  After a month of still no relief from my blurred vision, my dr. ordered an mri of my brain......

It was during finals week when I received my mri results.  I still remember the words that came out of the radiologist's mouth, "We believe you have a benign tumor called a meningioma."  I was in absolute shock.  A benign tumor?  I was obviously extremely thankful it wasn't malignant, don't get me wrong.  But a benign tumor still warrants concern.  I became unglued.  I was already fighting a major depression during this time, but I now hit an all time low.

I met with a neurosurgeon who discussed the findings with my parents & me.  He explained that we would need to watch the tumor very carefully.  I would be getting mris every 2 months to make sure it didn't grow.  If it did grow, there would be the possibility of needing brain surgery.  Hold up: brain surgery?!? That's not a question a 22 year old wants to be asking herself.

My parents & I were pretty shaken up, so we scheduled a second opinion down at Stanford.  The Lord was so good during this time and was able to get us in to see a world renowned neurosurgeon who usually has a wait list of at least 3 months.  I was able to get in & see him 2 weeks after the telephone called was placed!  After getting another batch of mris & a cat scan done, we met with him.  He looked over all of my results and told my parents & me,  he ran a tumor review board every week, and he & his colleagues would discuss my case.  A couple weeks later we met with him & this is where things get interesting.  After reviewing my case at the meeting, the doctors came to the consensus that what was truly causing my fatigue & blurred vision was a terrible viral infection.  He explained that some viral infections can last months & months.  He further explained that the tumor they found in my mris were probably congenital and most likely wouldn't cause me problems in the future, but that we should still get mris every year or so just to make sure.  

What a blessing, let me tell you!!!!!  My parents & I were elated!!!!!  I'll be honest: my faith was crap during this time.  I was still a baby in my faith and while I did call out to God during this time, my trust in him was shaky.  But with this news, I knew something in my life had to change.

It would take me another two months to fully recover and regain normal vision but during that time, I had a change of heart.  I had two months left in my senior year of college.  I had been planning on attending grad school after obtaining my BS so I could become a clinical psychologist.  But it dawned on me, going that route would not fulfill me emotionally.    I had spent a lot of time in and out of various hospitals' oncology departments, and God suddenly placed a great desire for me to become a nurse.  But not just any nurse, a pediatric oncology nurse.

"What, Lord....you want me to do what?"  I don't know very many people who would want to go into that line of nursing for the obvious reason: seeing children in pain. I'll be honest, at times I second guess myself.  I form attachments very quickly, especially to children & in this line of work it's a given that not all children will recover....that's the part that troubles me.  But I'm greatly encouraged by the fact that if this is truly the Lord's will for my life, then he will equip me with the emotional support, and resources I need to serve these children to the best of my ability.  

I really cannot think of a more satisfying profession for me.  I love to serve others.  I feel so fortunate that I will have the opportunity to love on these children as they are facing the biggest battle of their lives.  Yes, there will be days where I'll feel like quitting due to the enormous sadness I'll be facing because I will form attachments.  I already know I'll have a huge tendency, to form attachments, but that is what will make be a good nurse.  That's who I am to my very core.  I love, and when you love as deeply as I do, you undoubtedly will experience more heartbreak than the average person.  But heartbreak is something I'm willing to experience, so long as I know I've made an impact in the lives of these children.  I want each one of them to fall asleep each night knowing, I love them as if they were my own children, and they will not have to face this disease by themselves.

I'm also very excited to report that after I've established myself as a nurse for a while, I'm going to create a weightlifting program for the mothers of the children who are undergoing cancer treatment.    It is my belief that by implementing weightlifting into the women's weekly routines, they will start experiencing a sense of control in at least one avenue of their lives, and will be left feeling empowered.  There's no denying that weightlifting makes an individual physically strong, but more importantly, emotionally resilient, which will only enhance a mother's ability to cope with her child's cancer diagnosis, and treatment. 

It's funny how a simple trip to the hospital can change the course of your life forever.  Well played, God.  Well played.  :)

Commited

This is the first year I've decided to forgo making New Years resolutions. The idea is nice, but not very realistic. Why make promises you can't keep? That all or nothing mentality generally doesn't work for most people, myself included. So instead of making broken promises to myself, I've simply decided to make commitments to myself.

1.) The first commitment I'm making to myself is living a more balanced & peaceful life. I'm a type a personality but I'm making it my mission to become a more patient woman who lives in the "now" instead of always fantasizing about the future. And in line with that, I will no longer get anxious/fearful about the "unknowns" of life. I will embrace the uncertainties & learn to fall in love with all of the possibilities & potentials that God has in store for me.

2.) Second, I will get to know the heart of God more. I will join a bible study & do my best to get in His word everyday.

3.) Third & the most important commitment I'm making is to bring someone to The Lord. As someone who wasn't raised in a traditional Christian home & was saved in college with the help of a great group of friends who made it their mission to make Christ known, I know firsthand the importance of reaching out to people & offering them hope. This hope is found in Jesus. "Know Jesus, know peace. No Jesus, no peace."

4.) Another commitment I'm making is to extend my hand & heart to every one I come across, especially those who society labels outcasts. On church on Sunday, we had a wonderful guest speaker & He explained how God used him as a means to bring a neighbor of his who was a former marine; suffered from schizophrenia & PTSD; & used hardcore narcotics, to the Lord. Instead of placing judgement on these individuals & being "scared" of them, I will get in the habit of being comfortable with uncomfortable situations. In fact, I will place myself in uncomfortable situations whenever possible, so I can let the presence of God be known.

5.) And finally, the last of my most important commitments is to not be so flaky. A dear friend of mine called me out on this today. I have a terrible habit of making plans & then the day of, canceling on that person. To her, the act of canceling is synonymous with not caring about her and/or not respecting her time. This couldn't be further from the truth. I value all of my relationships, even though my conduct may appear otherwise contradictory.

The act of last minute cancellations raises two questions: why say yes in the first place?  I say yes because at that particular time when we talk about getting together, I genuinely want to hang out with that person.  I find myself often times making plans ahead of time, but in the back of my head, going, I'll probably just want to stay at home than go out when that day arrives.  But instead of being upfront with my friend, I make plans because I feel like if I say no to a friend the act of saying no to hanging out will make her feel like I don't care about her which isn't the case at all!!!  (I talk about my reasoning behind canceling plans in the next paragraph).  The irony is the person who I make plans with will be hurt much worse by my acceptance of an invitation to hang out, and then canceling at the last minute on her than she would if I politely declined in the first hand.  

The second question that needs to be addressed is once you do make set plans, why don't you honor the commitment you made to your friend & get together? It's because I simply don't feel up to it most of the time. I'm a homebody & after a long day, I just feel like sitting on my bum. I don't feel like getting dressed up & would rather relax by watching a movie on tv & enjoying a home cooked meal with a friend.  And that's hard to do because I'm living at home right now, so inviting people isn't really much of an option right now. Lame excuse, I know.  Lame.  Lame! The funny thing is though when I do venture out for a night on the town with a friend or group of friends, I find myself thinking I need to do this more enough. I need to spend time in good company & not be such a hermit. I'm 25 & lead my life like a lil old grandma most of the time. 

So, I'm making a commitment that I will only make plans that I will follow through on.  Instead of making plans way in advance, I will resort to making plans on the day of.  Yes, there are certain occasions that call for advanced planning, like a road trip, but for the most part I will make it a habit to plan spontaneous get-togethers.

This is an especially important commitment of mine because I want to be known as a reliable friend in all aspects of my life. I don't want to be known as the friend who is just reliable for times that warrant emotional support, encouragement or when crises arise. I mean shouldn't there be a direct correlation between a friend who offers emotional support & showing up for a scheduled dinner date? I believe so, and will make sure that I am no longer an outlier when it comes to that.

Other resolutions include:
-Not spending so much time on Facebook
-Expanding my knowledge of nutrition, strength/conditioning & biomechanics...maybe this will be the year that I study to become a CSCS (certified strength & conditioning specialist)
-Receiving all a's in my science courses
-Being accepted into the nursing schools I apply to
-Volunteering at the local children's hospital
-Traveling across the us to see friends I haven't seen in a long time
-Having scheduled daddy/daughter dates
-Getting back into running. I want to be able to run 6 minute miles
-Getting stronger. I want to be able to squat & deadlift twice my bw & be able to rep out strict pull-ups as well as pistol squats.
-Say thank you more
-Drink more water
-Learn how to cook more healthy dishes & experiment more in the kitchen

-Get to bed at a decent hour.  Going to bed at 2 isn't cutting it.  I won't to become the early bird I was in high school.